


its a euphemism

by writtenFIRES



Series: Egotober 2017 [7]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Egotober, Gratuitous Japanese, Knives, So Many Knives, also this is a harmless one so enjoy :D, especially some of the mark ones, i'm gonna try linking them all for you guys, lots of knives, there's a lot of egos here you might not know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:46:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtenFIRES/pseuds/writtenFIRES
Summary: Egotober Day 7: That's not a knife, this is a knife!/Goretober Day 7: acid"Look, see? Mine's tha biggest!"





	its a euphemism

**Author's Note:**

> _flippantly waves off lateness_
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> incoming list of references lmao
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> [The Survival Hunter aka Angus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYBfZDSMvmw)  
> [Chef Iplier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwu4uucjkLY)  
> [The Survivalist aka Viv](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB2ns7sT8ww&t)  
> [Bill the Werewolf](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cIK6Kyn3NM)  
> [Gladiatorplier](https://youtu.be/5c2aNQ2XYgs)

"Look, see? _Mine's_ tha biggest!" Anti's rough growl of a sneer cut through the chatter. He brandished his favorite knife, just one of many from his own personal collection.

Wilford sniffed and crinkled his nose, unimpressed. He proceeded to pull a much larger knife out of thin air and Anti hissed. "Oh no no _no_ , my dear glitchy boy, _this_ is a real man's knife. Admire the size, the weight, the sheen!" He gave a few practice stabs with it, which an anxious Roman was forced to dodge for fear of being skewered.

"N-now, gentlemen. I know this is a competition but surely we can go about measuring our respective blades in a civil manner." Roman, the odd one out in a room full of Jack and Mark egos, gripped nervously at the handle of his sword. When he'd heard there was going to be a "knife measuring contest" he hadn't realized just what he was signing himself up for. Needless to say, he was relieved he'd told Patton to just stay home. He could only imagine what kind of trouble his fellow Side would get into were he present.

Yandere was quick to shove the prince aside, lifting his katana up high. " _Bakas_! Of course _Surudoi-chan_ is the best! A perfect combination of _sugoi_ and _kawaii_. She sings so prettily when she slices through flesh and bone, _ne_...." He cooed the last, tilting the flat of the blade to rest against his cheek while he lovingly gave it a few strokes.

Roman was seriously questioning his past decisions and hosting quite a long list of regrets.

"Are you kiddin', mate? That ain't a knife!" Angus proceeded to to rip his trusty survival knife from its holster, holding it up to the light so it could gleam. Yet before he could complete his statement, The Survivalist- aka Viv- cut in with his own sharpened machete in hand.

" _This_ is a knife!" He leered at a scowling Angus, waving his machete in the ego's face tauntingly. "That little butter knife couldn't compare."

"That is _not_ a butter knife." Chef Iplier quipped from where he stood, arms crossed and sniffing derisively. "A bunch of brutes and thugs is what you are. A _real_ professional always keeps his knives in a kit." He shrugged off the knife roll he'd been carrying and laid it out in a flourish. Several glinting knives of all shapes, sizes and types were revealed and he smirked triumphantly, assured of his victory.

Instead, it just prompted an even bigger argument, as egos clashed over personal beliefs and preferences. Eventually, it came to a split down the middle, Mark's four egos staring down Jack's two. Roman, extremely uncomfortable and out of place, had ducked into a nearby corner. Much as he longed for some back up, he was _still_ incredibly glad the others weren't here.

"Face it, you two. You wouldn't know _real_ knives if you cut off your fingers with one!" Wilford drawled, his eyes sparking and his strawberry aura crackling in the air.

Anti cackled, his voice shifting pitch with his roiling emotions while his body glitched. "Why don't I cut off _your_ fingers an' then we'll see who knows what a knife is?"

"You are all talk and no walk, _Koshou_. Your tricks will not intimidate us! _Kakatte koi yo_!" Yandere snapped, hands tight around the handle of his katana.

"I've tamed beasts more frightenin' than tha likes'a _you_." Angus countered, poised in a half-crouch.

Viv's lip curled into a dismissive sneer. "Well I've fought monsters that weren't near as ugly as you are." He reached out to give Chef's arm a little punch. "Come on, Fancypants, back us up here."

"I _cook_ with my knives, I do not fight with them." Chef hissed. His brown eyes narrowed. The two egos looked prepared to share words when there was a sudden knock at the door.

All heads turned as it opened to reveal Bill, poking his head into the room and looking sheepishly uncertain. He gave a nervous wave with his fingers and an anxious grin. "Uh, hi." Awkwardly, he shuffled into the room, his trusty pitchfork in his hands. However, upon spying the multitude of _knives_ , his eyes widened and some color filtered into his cheeks. "Oh. I- oh. Uh. I thought... I...." He drooped some, hugging his pitchfork close to his chest. "I guess I must've... misread the notice, I'll just... be going, now."

Before he could so much as turn around, the door he'd left ajar was abruptly smashed off its hinges. Almost everyone present jumped, and Bill leaped back with a dog-like yelp of surprise. Were Wilford not already holding his knife, he likely would have shot the intruder. Part of him wished he had.

Gladiatorplier burst into the room in a flurry of fake armor and exaggerated testosterone. He let loose a manly, guttural cry and thumped at his chest, raising his own sword up high. "TO VICTORY!"

To this day, Roman had no idea how he escaped the ensuing chaos, but he'd decided to never participate in another ego contest. At least, not without knowing in advance who would be there.


End file.
